Back to work nerves,and kicking it’s intact butt.

I’m nevous, tomorrow is the day after few weeks recovering from butt surgery I return to work.

I don’t know why I am nervous,it isn’t my fault I ended up in hospital and my boss was perfectly understanding but still nerves.

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All my life I’ve been driven by my anxieties an pleasing others.cowardly ? maybe easy life ?probably. It wasn’t till I became a dad that I found the strength to overcome them bit by bit, But I am not quite there yet. I think it’s the whole feeling the walk of Shame thing with work.feeling like I have left people in the lurch or worse it’s clocked how pointless my job at work is. Seriously there all better at it then me which is fine but harder I try i mess up. Then the more I feel looked down on or feel like I’m annoying people. it’s quite infuriating being clumsy little old me.

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Half term an all which means I’m in at 6 to finish at 9:45 as the kids mum (Sarah/sure mum) starts work at 10. The hours were my bosses idea but for some reason it embarrasses me leaving work that early (again walk of Shame) however on the plus side I’m loving the time I get with the kids.( The new pay packet though,not so much)

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Life is what it is,sometimes easy sometimes hard. Sometimes it’s just messy chaos with all the noises an colours of the day feeling like nails on a chalkboard in my head. (Headphones,Hartley tip for busy heads .podcasts and headphones)

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My doctor said last week if I needed more time off to just let him know. I’m still sore and sleepings still a pain, But you can’t live in fear (ghost rider ) I’m not scared of my work place, all my fears are self created,and with every day be it physical or mental i try and win those battles .

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I have got to get back to the guy who didn’t care what people said or thought of me instead of pretending I’m still that guy. I’m not that guy anymore, I’m just a guy who likes sitting in corner doodling watching/listening to his kids laugh/scream/play , and if it was supposed to be an easy life thats how I would spend everyday. But I’ve had a couple weeks of it now, an it would be nice to have a conversation with grown men again .

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So early to bed (he says,after turning Xbox on first time in a week) and back to it tomorrow. Wish me luck feels a bit dramatic so how bout wish me an quiet headed day instead ? (Pretty sure somewhere between leaving work an a carved up butt,I’ve lost my headphones)

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Take care

Hartley

Xx

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